The 2024-25 NBA FINAL FOUR RANKED BY HOW MUCH I WANT THEM TO WIN
4. THE INDIANA PACERS
I hate the Indiana Pacers. I hate how their name references a different, worse sport. I hate their strange blue panther (?) mascot and his TikTok influencer haircut. I want to say I hate the city of Indianapolis, but that would be a lie. That bland midwestern wasteland lacks anything that could elicit an emotional response. It would be like hating saltines.
This contempt in my heart extends not only to the Pacers players, but to their friends and families as well. I truly wish them all the worst. You might say, “Henry, this is just basketball, I think you’re overreacting.” That is incorrect. My scorn has nothing to do with basketball, in fact, I find the Pacers incredibly fun to watch. Like I always say; hate the player, love the game.
This disdain is entirely motivated by being a lifelong Milwaukee Bucks fan. For those that don't know, these no-good Indiana louses once stole a special basketball from our special guy. It was the worst thing to ever happen on a basketball court. I will hate the Indiana Pacers until they return the real special basketball to its rightful home in Milwaukee.
I want to see Myles Turner put up enough bricks to build himself a new lego set. I want to see the Haliburton family exiled from the great state of Wisconsin. I want the Pacers to be swept in humiliating fashion once again. Return the basketball, you depraved bastards!
3. THE MINNESOTA TIMBERWOLVES
Anthony Edwards is really cool and good at basketball. In a perfect world I would be rooting for him to take this team all the way. Unfortunately, we do not live in a perfect world. There is an elephant in the Minnesota locker room and that elephant is a horrible Frenchman named Rudy Gobert. To put it plainly: the French have no business playing basketball.
Yes, Frenchie Victor Wembanyama is a magical, once-in-a-generation player, but we may have to sacrifice his career and the careers of all other French hoopers to stop the Francophization of this beautiful game. These snobs will ruin the sport as we know it! Stadium beers will be replaced by Sauvignon Blanc, hot dogs will be dropped in favor of croissants! The national anthem will be Daft Punk, players will be wearing berets and smoking cigarettes on the court, and… ah hell, this is starting to sound cool.
Minnesotans, you already have a thing: pretending that Vikings made it to the great lakes. That’s a really good bit, don’t abandon it for some Francophile flavor of the month. I want to root for you guys, I want to see Anthony Edwards put up crazy numbers, and I want the French to go back to playing their own silly little games like croquet.
2. THE NEW YORK KNICKS
I moved to New York City in March of 2024. I’ve only lived here for about a year, but it's obvious to me that the city really needs this one. Our current mayor is wrapped up in Harding administration levels of corruption and there's a good chance our next mayor is going to be a serial groper with a history of murdering the elderly. There’s two dozen cops on every subway platform and you can’t even kill yourself on the Hudson Yards Vessel anymore. Something's gotta go right for this town eventually.
I also find it incredibly charming that the Knicks front office decided to just recreate a championship college basketball team and it actually worked. I want the Knicks to win because it would be really funny to see other general managers try (and likely fail) to replicate this asinine strategy. My love for this Knicks team is not motivated by their style of play or basketball prowess or anything like that. It’s motivated by a bunch of tangentially related bullshit. Like how happy Spike Lee would be if they won. If you don’t want Spike Lee to be happy you’re sick in the head.
I want to see Brunson continue to go nuclear in every fourth quarter, I want Tom Thibodeau to play the same eight guys until they pass out from exhaustion, and I want to know just how much trash Knicks fans can hurl at the acolytes of those visiting Indiana devils. In fact, there is only one team I would like to see win the championship more:
THE OKLAHOMA CITY THUNDER
I don’t know much about Oklahoma. A brief Google search tells me they’re plagued by tornadoes, that the bread twist-tie was invented there, and that they are the only U.S. state to produce iodine. Wow! Iodine! What I do know is that the OKC Thunder possess approximately one billion NBA draft picks. As a Milwaukee Bucks fan, this terrifies me. I need them to win so they don't try to trade those picks for our special guy.
There are benefits to the Thunder winning a championship for you (poor, misguided) non-Bucks fans, too. If they take the title this year it would be the first time in 58 years a player named Chet won a championship. This would be huge for all the Chets out there, who have been marginalized by the basketball establishment and routinely embarrassed by Tom Hanks’ son.
Consider how funny it would be if the NBA’s next dynasty was in Oklahoma. It doesn’t seem like the state has much else going on and I think they’re primed to make this team their whole deal for the foreseeable future. Oklahoma's current state motto is “Labor Omnia Vincit,” or “work conquers all things.” That’s some grindset bullshit. If they won they could change their motto to “Res Publica Circulorum”, or “The Republic of Hoops.” Look me in the eye and tell me that's not better.
I want to watch SGA joker-grin his way to a ring, I want Jalen Williams to silence his doubters, and I want Chet Holmgren to prove that Slendermen can play basketball too. And, more than anything, I want Giannis to stay in Milwaukee where he belongs.